future tense

It's amazing how parts of our mind can get stuck in the past, even as the rest of us continues to change and evolve. Some actions stay at rest on ancient plateaus long past the point when logic has dictated they move on. It is strange, keeping part of yourself a child; but it is so freeing to finally step back from it all and see the truth. Acceptance is a beautiful thing...a far deeper beauty than anything the senses can directly perceive. 

CL, circa maybe 2003. Young, adorable, confused.

If You Need Me, I'll Be in Makeup.

CAMERA 1

CAMERA 2 (click for larger)

Words to fucking live by:

source

Cheesy, but true. At least I don't need quite so many reminders these days.

Same Sky Above

Reykjavik, Iceland 2010

D.C., U.S., 2010

Rishikesh, India 2010

impossible truth

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

- e.e. cummings

Give Me Your Pictures.

Family Portrait

I'll be the One in Red.

At least all of the horrible insomnia I have been experiencing lately has given me more time for editing. And writing. And thinking.

But mostly, I've enjoyed all of the doing. Yesterday I was thrifting with a friend; I'm certainly too poor to shop for clothes these days, but there was a pair of wonderfully insane, maroon flower overalls that I would have gladly paid 4 dollars for. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be - one leg was noticeably wider than the other. A truly original piece, perhaps I should've gotten them for the novelty alone....

(curious) Satisfaction

Ancient History.

I just need a moment to powder my nose.

Sleep to Dream.

Some seriously old pictures I found in gmail. Fancied 'em up a bit.

These are from when I was living alone in SRQ; such strange times. Endless string of shows and bars and people. It all blends together now, seems almost small - even though I do miss some things. 

Living alone was freedom; too much freedom.

those thoughts that keep you up at night.

(((how long can you hide from yourself?)))

birthday card.

here is a card i made for my beautiful friend risa who is turning 20 tomorrow. she is wise beyond her years, and enjoys kundalini yoga (much like myself).

front of card.

Inside. Listing Kundalini Sutras.

The Sutras for the so-called "Aquarian Age" are:

• Understand through compassion; otherwise you might misunderstand the times.
• Recognize that the other person is you.
• When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.
• There is a way through every block.
• Vibrate the cosmos; the cosmos shall clear the path.

Kundalini in general can get pretty out there. Turbans, chanting, men with long beards dressed in white... but ya know, it's fun. Sure you might have to get up at 3am sometimes and find yourself a sheepskin rug, but the overall message is one of hope and compassion. No matter what you believe, or what "age" it is, the sutras seem like pretty good advice to me.

T-Shirts and Tablecloths

Made this quick design yesterday in GIMP. I'd wear this proudly; maybe I could sell some near MIT...

And, in a further effort to make my apartment more ridiculous, I present: old New Yorkers + Shellac = Tablecloth! Good way to get some reading in AND it's disposable! It looks pretty classy in real life, too; shellac will do that.

No time like the goddamn present.  Pass the Trail Mix.

Take that Moby Dick.

This morning I was FINALLY able to do full Garbha Pindasana!!

This has been my Moby Dick at Mysore practice for weeks... can't ever get my friggin right arm all the way through. And if/ when I do, I glamorously fall over like a dead bug.

Today, success.

Success and bruised elbows - but it was worth it !

My usual attempt. 

The way it is supposed to be done, as demonstrated by Shri K. Pattabhi Jois

 Now I just need to get the hang of rolling around on my back like that, clockwise, 9 times and then lifting myself up on both hands AND THEN doing a full jump back from Padmasana.

It'll happen. Maybe a shaved head and awesome diaper get-up would help.

A very, very good year.

So, today, today. November 10th.

Time has always been an issue for me. When I encounter a date, I can't help but think about what I may have been doing this time last year -- or what I might be doing this time next year. Same thing happens with days of the week -- "this time last Wednesday, I was..."

What's strange is how often I know, with a fair amount of precision, what I was doing not only last week, but also last year - and often years previous to that. It's odd, but it has always been this way. I think that this is possible because, up to this point, each year of my life has been profoundly different from the last. New place to live, new people, new hobbies; always change. I'm starting to realize that when too many things aren't changing I begin to feel stuck, as if somehow stability is some indication that progress has ceased and now I must GO and DO. 

Is Going or Doing somehow a measure of success? Well, yes, in a way: if I go and do, I change; I experience something new. My Self needs to cope with new situations and in this way I learn. Learning is improvement, but "improvement," while noble enough in and of itself, somehow seems shallow if confined only to the self. I do not exist in a vacuum. No one does. Part of success for me now is sharing whatever I have had the fortune to learn, in whatever form that may be. I struggle at times keeping these realizations close. The whispers of societal success sometimes transform into loud screams vibrating in my skull with heinous shouts of "MAKE MONEY!" "BE IMPRESSIVE!" "LOOK BEAUTIFUL!"

But then I just return to that old habit of reflection. So much has changed over the years, this one in particular. I really don't know what clicked, but I finally opened up to the possibility of living out my own view of success. Somehow this year the choice felt inevitable. Sadly, however, this inevitability has not made the path less challenging. Certainly more interesting, though. And much, much more satisfying.......

This time last year, I was amazed by leafless trees. 

Jorge Mayet/ De Mis Vivos y Mis Muertos

people are beautiful and the hours are good.

Are you saying you DON'T hang spatulas on the wall or dress your wine in kimonos?

 I'm going as "the cosmos" for Halloween. I will be accompanied by Carl Sagan.

Adventures in DC again this weekend. Surrounded by long-time friends and hey, my Dad, too - why not? 

A good end to another week of cheap food and good conversation.

Is the whole world insane?!?

Some days, I really can't help but wonder.

Que Sera Sera

Acceptance and Trust have historically been things in life that just didn't resonate with me. I've struggled with trusting myself in many ways: achieving success, maintaining health, pursuing interests, cultivating friendships... the list goes on and on. No matter how hard I tried to 'listen to myself' or act on instinct, this voice inside of my head would always seem to get in the way.  Analyzing and recalculating all possible actions until a seemingly flawless and widely accepted path presented itself. This was the path to choose. No matter that most of the time this paths was in total opposition to my own wants, and even my own NEEDS.... This was THE way. Buck up, Smile, and Go.

A lot of this stems from a long-standing total incapacity to Accept.  Accepting the reality of the present is huge in learning how to trust. Without trust, one begins to rely on Control. Control nurtures Expectation. Expectation breeds an unwillingness to Accept.

Well. These days my attitude has changed. It has been a long, incredibly difficult, and still challenging path to get and STAY here. I don't even fully understand the journey which lies behind nor ahead, but I do know that I am enjoying being Here, Now.

Coming Home.

messing around with GIMP this morning. out of bed at 5:15am; slept on the couch by accident again. dreams involving new friends and old; the setting continues to be India. still haven't really been able to gather my thoughts about that trip very fully. just a flurry of images.

curiosity may have killed that one cat....

...but all of the other cats probably learned something! 

Hooray for curiosity; truly fuel for the soul!

Actually, according to a very unscholarly source, curiosity is, "the fuel of science and all other disciplines of human study." Or, more directly: the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness.  Being that I am a bit personally obsessed and largely driven by my own curiousness, I decided to do some research about this strange state, which lies somewhere between instinct and emotion.

What is curiosity? Where did it originate and who or what posses it? I have already answered the first of these questions, although when one stops to think of the magnitude of a single state fueling all disciplines of human study, any attempt at a concise definition begins to seem a bit...unresolved.  So let's delve in. 

Curiosity. Well, according to a more scholarly source, curiosity can be defined as, "the ability to understand, develop and express in a systematic fashion, novel orderly relationships." Call me crazy, but I actually think dictionary.com did a better job capturing what we all actually experience when feeling ' curious.' However, this more rigorous attempt does bring up some good points. Namely it points out what the pre-requisites are for achieving a curious state: 1) the capacity to understand what is being perceived and to identify aspects in this perception which are divergent to what is already known (i.e., notice), 2) the ability to develop hypotheses based on this new information (i.e., wonder) and 3) the desire to find an answer to these hypotheses and express them either in words or actions (i.e., act). 

Let's look at all of those components. Are they all REALLY necessary to achieve a truly curious state? I am going to go with a yes on this one. Why? Because only the combination of these three (notice, wonder, act) can distinguish a truly curious state form what I will call 'idle wonder.'

Idle wonder is something that I would be willing to guess we all experience countless times a day. Small thoughts during absent drifts; "Why don't the magnets in shower curtains work better?", "Why does my cat always sit on whatever I happen to be reading?", "How come my power blows every time I try to use the toaster AND the microwave?". Questions like these in and of themselves are not problematic, in fact they actually demonstrate the first phase of being curious. However, most idle wonderings often go unanswered. Only a truly curious mind is motivated to embark on systematic hypothesis formation and willing, nay excited, to get analytical in order to find an answer! 

 

But, of course, this leads us to more questions. What are the motivations of curious minds in forming these hypotheses and answering these questions? Often these processes seem almost subconscious in nature, whereas other times the energy to seek is acutely felt, and yet the drive to know seems to outweigh the burden of effort.  Why does there seem to be a gradient of curiousness among humans as well as certain animals. Are there neural correlates to this state of being, perhaps even an evolutionary trace of 'curiosity development'? 

Although my pondering discussion on the definition of 'curiosity' is far from complete, it is to these new questions which I now turn my research. I shall test my own hypotheses and attempt to find some answers. And, of course, always look forward to finding more questions. 

 

More later. In the meantime, Stay Curious.

Hide. Face. Overcome.

 

my year in a nutshell