Time has always been an issue for me. When I encounter a date, I can't help but think about what I may have been doing this time last year -- or what I might be doing this time next year. Same thing happens with days of the week -- "this time last Wednesday, I was..."
What's strange is how often I know, with a fair amount of precision, what I was doing not only last week, but also last year - and often years previous to that. It's odd, but it has always been this way. I think that this is possible because, up to this point, each year of my life has been profoundly different from the last. New place to live, new people, new hobbies; always change. I'm starting to realize that when too many things aren't changing I begin to feel stuck, as if somehow stability is some indication that progress has ceased and now I must GO and DO.
Is Going or Doing somehow a measure of success? Well, yes, in a way: if I go and do, I change; I experience something new. My Self needs to cope with new situations and in this way I learn. Learning is improvement, but "improvement," while noble enough in and of itself, somehow seems shallow if confined only to the self. I do not exist in a vacuum. No one does. Part of success for me now is sharing whatever I have had the fortune to learn, in whatever form that may be. I struggle at times keeping these realizations close. The whispers of societal success sometimes transform into loud screams vibrating in my skull with heinous shouts of "MAKE MONEY!" "BE IMPRESSIVE!" "LOOK BEAUTIFUL!"
But then I just return to that old habit of reflection. So much has changed over the years, this one in particular. I really don't know what clicked, but I finally opened up to the possibility of living out my own view of success. Somehow this year the choice felt inevitable. Sadly, however, this inevitability has not made the path less challenging. Certainly more interesting, though. And much, much more satisfying.......
This time last year, I was amazed by leafless trees.
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